Weighty issues

I haven’t been able to even look at this blog, as I am not the MDBabyMaker right now. My Love’s job search is slow, and that slows down the baby making process. Or rather, we have stopped until she gets a job. After she gets a job, then it will be 3-6 months until we can start again. So no baby for me, and everyone around me is turning up pregnant.

So, in my free time, am I getting into shape and losing those pesky 10-20 pounds? Nope, just sitting on my butt trying not to get too much fatter. I put on a GOOD 10-15 pound while TTC, and each month I just kept hoping I’d be pregnant so I could blame the weight on that. Instead, I just need to blame my sugar addiction and near daily trips to Dunkin Donuts. I have cut back on some of my crap eating, but still have not gotten up the motivation to go to the gym. I really should do that now, so that when we are ready, I am in great shape. I even know that losing weight will help my fertility. Up until about two years ago (ages 30-31) I never really had to watch my weight. Now I do, and I am watching the scale go up and up. I am wearing a size that I never thought I would. And still, I am too lazy to get my butt to the gym. I am kind hoping that putting this out there will help externally motivate me. Goddess knows, I clearly have no internal motivation for exercise.

Today I am putting it out there. I will make a real effort to go to the gym 2 times a week in August and moving up to 3 times a week in September. I can go Wednesday and Friday of this week. Maybe this blog can be my losing weight blog until I have something else to focus on. I am not quite ready to tell the world my weight, but maybe I can talk about how much I am losing. I need a new focus, and sitting around being pissed at the universe is not helping anything but my ass expand. It is bad when your fat pants (which I have NEVER had to have) are getting tight, as well. I can’t afford more clothes, so I can think of my gym experience as saving money. Plus, I hate to shop and I have a ton of pants I cannot wear. Maybe if I lose some weight I won’t hate pants shopping because I’ll be able to wear a regular size and not the fat sizes. If I get my body in awesome shape, I’ll just have to get pregnant right away, right?

Here I go…

And the hits just keep on coming...

Did anyone watch the TV show the Gilmore Girls? It is my favorte show, minus the craptastic season 7, in which they got rid of the main writers, creator and directors. The title of this entry is from an episode in season 1.

About a week and a half ago, My Love got pancreatitis caused by gallstones... For crying out loud, come on!! It took multiple doctor's visits, an ER visit, tons of blood work, lots of pain medicine, a CT Scan, and an MRI to get a diagnosis. It has pretty much immobilized her. She is starting to do better, but VERY slowly. We will find out in a day or so if her Amalase and Lipase levels are dropping back to normal. Those are the enzymes that break down fat and protien. She is on a modified diet where she can not eat fat or protien... That leaves prety much bread and applesause. Although, I did find a "butter" that is fat free and protien free. It is better than dry toast...

Am I a terrible person for being tired of taking care of everything? I'm so tired.

If I could just find a way to win a few million dollars, all my problems would be solved... :)

I told you updates would be depressing... You have been warned.

I'm still here

I had envisioned this blog to be about my pregnancy journey. I know that it is a TTC blog, but I really thought I'd be pregnant by now. If you want to know what was in my heart of hearts, I really thought I'd have a newborn baby by now. We are on hold until at least September, and this is if life picks up soon and things turn around. I'm sorry, I am trying to be more positive, I should have said, when life picks up VERY soon and hopefully things have already started to turn around. I just can't see it yet be cause I am in the middle of it all.

My love lost her job suddenly a few months ago. Being a mostly one income houshold is hard, and affirms for me that I will work after I have our baby. (I always thought I would.) Unemployment adds very little to the mix, financially.

I saw my acupuncturist and I am really going to work on putting postive energy out in the world. I imagine updates will be spotty.

Seriously?!

So, remember when I said that we were low on money? That was before my much loved cat of 7 years got sick and needed to see 2 vets and $1,500 of tests later, everything is normal! Not that I want her to be sick, but holey moley. I had to use my credit card to pay for her. I hate using credit cards, I rarely have a balance, or if I do, I know when I can pay it off. Not this time!

I have not been writing here because I have nothing nice or good to say. I am not usually a complainer, but that is all I have been doing. I feel bad that I am subjecting my friends to my attitide, but what can I do. I really am trying to think positive, but it is really hard.

Looking forward to better days!

Easy come, easy go

Well, my cycle just ended/started. On no drugs, I had my regular 27 day cycle with ovulation on day 13. Today is day one, we are most assuredlly out for this cycle, and most likely next cycle as well. This cycle would put a baby due around x-mas, and next would be mid to late January. I am looking at maybe trying to make a February baby. So it looks like the next cycle we MIGHT be able to try start would be mid May. Possibly not until June. Maybe I can be pregnant for my 33rd b-day in June. That would be a nice goal.

Things are still rough at Casa MD Baby Maker's. I hate that money is always an issue. I hate that money limits our dreams.

I have acupuncture today, thank goodness! I can't really afford it, but I get paid on Friday. Good luck to all, I hope your days are smoother.

As the world turns

Unfortunatly we are off the baby train for at least two months. We just had a hard blow finicially and even if it resolves itself quickly, it will take awhile to recover. I'll post intermittent updates, maybe I'll shoot for weekly.

The Doctor sees no reason why our current protocal should change, and I have to agree. We have only done two medicated cycles. In all likelihood, all the unmedicated cycles we did were not viable. We did not know about my poor/no ovulation response. We only have two more vials of swimmers. I am not sure if our boy has any more. I still have hope though.

Right now My Love is dealing with some hard issues, and she is my first priority.

I'll be 33 in June.

More waiting

Due to the universe being a bitch, I will likely have to sit out April, as well. My Love and I need to wait awhile to get some financial stuff together.

surviving

I am still here. I am still sad. We have two tries left, so I am starting to wonder if it can work. I so want to be pregnant. We have a consult with the Doctor next week to make sure that everything is okay.

Negative

Blood test negative.

Taking March off.

Still Negative

Still negative HPT. Boob still sore, big, but not as big; crushingly tired. Blood test tomorrow (don't get result until late afternoon). No AF.

I have no words.

???

Negative HPT at 12 DPO. Boobs still big and sore, temps still up, no sign of AF. I don't know. My last clomid cycle was 29 days long. Blood test on Tuesday.

And now I bring you...

First I brought you super temps, now in addition I bring you the super growing boobs! They grew noticably from yesterday morning to last night. I am a small chested woman. I am a small A. I always have been. I am not usualy aware of my brests. I can exercise without a bra on. They are bigger. I can feel them when I walk, and they are sore. :)

Also, I now have a supersonic sense of smell. Apparently my office is full of people that wear strong perfume. I never noticed before.

I am still tired, and I have not had any caffeine since a small cup of coffee on Monday! I also woke up today at 4:45am instead of 6:15... I couldn't get back to sleep.

Super Temps

My temperature is still going/staying up. If I felt bad, I say I was on my way to getting sick, but I don't feel bad. It is higher than it ever has been, and there have been no dips like usual. It feels different. I hope this time is different.

So, I am either getting sick or I am pregnant. (BUT! I don't feel like I am getting sick.) I am hopeful, but terrified of the hope. I just want this to happen so much.

I spoke too soon

My nutty emotions started last night, and I have been on edge all day. One minute I am happy, the next I want to go up to somepne and go GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Also, my boobs feel wierd. I am tired, not crushingly so, but more tired than I was. My temps are still UP. It will be a long nine months, I hope!

Still good

When looking at my temps, mine are consistently up. Usually at dpo 4 or 5 I drop. There has been no drop. My temps look DIFFERENT this time, for the last 6 days. Encouraging. Here is my optimistic theory for this month on why I am pregnant.
I am tired on these hormones, but not crushingly so, and I am not as crazy emotionally. I think since my body is using the hormones to grow our little speck, the hormones are not so brutal. Right about now our little speck should be burrowing in my uterine lining for the long haul. Yesterday, a few times I felt a sharp stabby sensation in my uterus. I take all this as a great sign!!!

The below site has a week by week description of the development and it is scientific, but it gives a better description of these early days. It starts with fertilizations, and it is really helping me picture our speck growing.

http://www.visembryo.com/baby/index.html


I have said it before, that my acupuncturist believes that if you visualize the future you want, it will happen. I am co-opting her belief for my own baby making. :) I am picturing it. Bring on the Halloween baby!!!

Feeling okay

I am doing pretty well. So far, the crushing tiredness is not here. I am a bit sleepy all day and I sleep like the dead, but that is not so bad. I feel less bloated, which is nice. I have a wierd tingling in my hand, but I remember that from last time. It will go away. I feel pretty good.

I did see a commercial with a little baby that made me almost cry, but it passed. Hopefully the crazy emotions will hold off a bit until I know I am pregnant.

Along with all the other signs lining up to say out timing was perfect, even Fertility Friend agrees. Come on baby... GROW!!!

New post

I am trying to think of something to write. I feel good about this time, but I always say that. Our timing was spot on, both blood work and OPK's say so. Our swimmmers were good and plentiful. My follicle was big and ready to go. My acupuncturist said my Chi was different the last few time she treated me- since our last negative. It is better and fuller (not sure exactly what that means.) I take that as a sign that my body is ready for a baby. Her treatment was to give my uterus lots of rich blood and nourishment. Our little speck should be a bunch of cells now and boucing around looking for a place to snuggle down in. My uterus is OPEN for business- attach away!!

Way too many days until I can test... :)

65 MIllion

I am all spermed up. The sample had 65 million sperm and its post thaw motility was 57%. That is super good for frozen. I feel good. It was not that uncomfortable this time. I didn't feel the sperm go in, which is good. That is not a good feeling. It is all good.

Blood test Feb 19th. I'll probably start home testing on the 16th. I start the Prometrium tomorrow, twice a day orally. I have acupuncture tomorrow to help with implantation.

Yay!

9AM tomorrow

Just got the word, we inseminate tomorrow at 9am. My Estrogen was 660 which is good and my LH was 83, which means I am surging. I trigger tonight. Come on baby... bring on the pregnancy.

It's on!

Well, the dildo camming went well this morning. I had one 21mm follicle on my right. I also had 2 14mm, and a 15mm on my right. My left had a 14 and a 10. So, really one good one. My lining looked good and the OPk's said I am surging. I'll know this afternoon when we will inseminate. I think tomorrow... I really hope this time works. This is my biggest follicle yet, so I am hopeful.

Nothing yet

No surge this morning. My temps are taking a downward turn. I have an appointment to get wanded and levels checked tomorrow. Looks like we might inseminate Tuesday. I'll find out tomorrow how my lining and looks and how many follicles I have.

Some day soon

I have my sperm, so now we just wait for the color change. I am more emotional, and it is harder to keep it together. I am holding back some excitment. I wish I could get more excited.

Sigh...

Soon

I took my last dose of Clomid last night. It makes me really hot when I sleep, and I do feel a bit more emotional. I pick of the sperm tomorrow, and then I start peeing on stick to see when I surge. I think I will see it on Sunday.

Clomid

I have taken two doses of Clomid. Only three more to go. Last time the crazy did not start until after insemination, so I am not too worried for this week. The Clomid does make me super hot at night, and it did that last time too. I want to be pregnant this cycle. I am visualizing the future for me and My Love and it includes a baby born around Halloween.

I realy have no preference about boy versus girl. I think that girls are probably easier in the beginning and boys are probably easier in later years. One of my friends hast the cutest almost 11 month old boy, E. In the past, I have had some concerns that it might be hard to relate to a boy baby, but being with E and watching him grow, has really made me very comfortable. I have nieces and nephews, but I was not around them much as babies, so they never gave me a lot of baby practice. (My family does not live close.) Any baby would be good. My Love has expressed some concerns about what if we have a girly girl. My Love is mostly the opposite of girly. She never had concerns about raising a boy, or a girl, just a pink frilly girl. I don't think I'd have trouble with that. I am not girly, but I went through the super girly phases in my earlier years trying to fit in. So, I, at least, have a frame of reference. We complement each other well, that way. My weakness in her strenght, and vise versa.

That is a lot of thoughts!

It looks like insemination will be somewhere around Feb 3-5. Probably not the 3rd, I think I will get my surge then. Likely will inseminate on the 4 or 5th. Who knows...

Click Click

Wanding went well, no cycts. They are going to do Clomid days 5-9 this cycle. I asked what the logic is behind changing days and got a less that satisfying answer. Basically you can start it whenever on days 3-5. I am finding the wanding more painful. My ovaries like to play hide and seek. It is a wierd sensation to have something hurt from that deep inside.

Stuff like that makes me think I'll never be able to even try birthing a baby naturally. Not that I want to do that, but I am keeping my options open. Nothing like putting the cart before the horse, let's just try to get me pregnant and keep me pregnant first. Then I can worry about how to get it out, after it is in. :)

Wanding here I come

I get wanded tomorrow morning and if all looks good, I'll start Clomid Thursday night. I am not sure what I feel about this cycle. I am waiting to see if we can try before I get excited.

CD 1, apparently

Uhh, it is CD 1. I had a 24 day cycle with no drugs and no tries. It was about 3 days sooner that my short 27 day cycle. I had to rearrange some stuff at work, to account for my being 3 days ahead of schedule. Wierd. I get wanded on Thursday morning for day 3 check to make sure I can use drugs this cycle. I really was not expecting the rollar coaster ride to start early this week. I was sure I was on the later in the week ride. This explains why I had PMS this weekend. I was like it is too early to be PMS...

Here we go again...

OB/GYN

I had my yearly girlie parts exam this morning. It was a mob scene in the office today. I did not think about how hard it would be to see that many pregnant women. After one couple came out of the back with their ultrasound pictures in hand, I almost started crying right there. That is one way to feel like crap first thing in the morning. Wow, and I thought I was doing so well.

I think I have figured out the ticker. I am using one from FF that is interactive with my charting, not lillie pie that is not. Mid cycle... two more weeks.

Time moves fast

I am on CD 10 for my no try cycle. Time moves faster when I am not waiting for anything. (There is a lesson in there...) I had a very nice and low key weekend. My Love and I connected, it was good. I started to feel kinda wierd later in the afternoon, and I just thought I was tired. But now it looks like the headache I have had for a few days is trying to work itself up into a migraine. I have not had a migraine since I started acupuncture. (9 months ago)
I am going to try some caffene, and if that doesn't work I have some prescription medicine that will knock me on my ass. :)

New Year

It is a new year and I am hoping for new results. I am on CD 5, so my new cycle to get pregnant should be 3 weeks from starting. I took down my ticker because I can't figure out how to edit it when my cycle is longer that 27days, besides downloading a new ticker. It was driving me crazy.

For the new year, My Love and I got a new mattress. We have been lusting over the temper-pedic for many years, and we finally broke down and bought one. It is heavenly. It is wierd at first, but not in a bad way.

This month is a calm one, no trying. I will be trying to mend my heart and get ready for the rollercoaster to start the end on the month.